Lady Isobella

Dear Lovelies,

A special lovely has sent me an extract from a cat’s diary - which is very amusing - and I would say - very accurate….Those of you who have cats might understand why….

Enjoy…

Secret Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captive are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and  speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Dear Lovelies,

This was sent to me by a lovely….Enjoy

Dear Lovelies,

Please, please watch SPECIAL NEEDS PETS on Channel 4 Thursday 9pm. I have seen the trailer and if you have an animal, love animals or are just curious you have got to watch this programme - and if you are not touched or moved by the content in any way - then you cannot be human

It’s sad that the pets are disabled - but immensely uplifting and even amusing.

Please watch it. It’s one of those that I am sure everyone will be talking about!

Thanks.

Love Issy xxx

Dear Lovelies,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it, that I’ve written something on my blog? I mean, something I have not cut and pasted because I am so lazy and boring. Have you missed my little digs and sarcastic observations? Are you hankering for some more?

Well….the cold has got the worse of me lately and sapped the life out me. It’s taken away my inspiration and if nothing else - frozen my little fingers off.

I see another total waste of time programme is due to start on Sunday : I’m a Z-Lister Blow Me Up. Actually - it’s not as bad as Big Brother. There is so much rubbish on.

Have any of you caught ‘Miss Naked Beauty’? What’s all that about? A bunch of woman with hang ups made to feel good about themselves? So why would anyone - apart form them and their families - care? Or need to know? It’s all about appreciating yourself and making the most of what you have. Fair enough. In my opinion though, change only happens when one is determined to make the change - not by watching people you have nothing in common with do it with the help of Gok, or Wok or DoK?? They are trying to convince women that they don’t need cosmetic surgery. Well - that ain’t ever going to happen. The only people who say that are the ones who cannot afford it, or know that no amount of surgery is going to help them. There is only so much any surgeon can do and some people are beyond help - so let’s just face the facts.

And in any case - too much Myleene Klass - that’s what I say. I am sick and tired of her moon face glaring at me wherever i go. What is so special about her anyway? She claims to be a classical pianist so GO PLAY with your KEYS. But there she is on M&S posters - just putting me off and little wonder sales have dropped! And then she’s co-hosting ‘Miss Naked Beauty’ - which is against cosmetic alteration - and at the same time due to be fronting ‘Ten Years Younger’ - which is ALL about cosmetic enhancements and procedures - so how double standards can you get? Well - since they are paying her loads and loads of wonga - I’m sure she’d endorse anything. More like Miss Plain & Insincere.

Do you know what I have been thinking lately? I bet you can’t wait for me to reveal……What’s happened to Kylie? Has she done a bunk? She was in the papers relentlessly everyday - doing this, doing that, on here, on there, promoting this, selling that - smiling at everyone - and then all of a sudden - she’s gone? I wonder if it is just to give her starchy faced botoxed injected sister a look in - while she fights her way on X-Factor? Who knows - who cares? There are so many other people to write about. But with Christmas on the way - I’m sure she will be bringing out some soppy effort to make us all cringe! Well OK then, ME cringe!

Here are a few pictures from the gym I go to. Actually, it’s of the world muscle men something or other competition - I don’t really know - I just saw the pictures and felt ill. For the life of me I will never understand why any man would want to look like that (pictured) or if there is any woman alive who would find it attractive?

These women (below) obviously don’t think much of them!

Here’s a picture I do understand - it’s of (apparently) the world’s hairiest dog and her pups….Simply gorgeous!!

Who’s watching X-Factor? Oh my goodness - who is voting for Daniel? And who is voting for Eoghan? They are my favourite to GO! I hope JLS go as well - if only because they are Louis’ group and I hate him. I hope Alexandra wins.

Gutted Little Britain USA has now finished. I simply loved it. My favourite new characters were little Ellie Grace and her Mom. But it was all good. I can’t wait for it to come out on DVD or indeed, for yet another series!!

Hey - my offers are going well. Seems you boys like my idea - I’m just sorry I didn’t think of introducing them before! The Early Birdie - after a slow start - has picked up and I have been given some very interesting offers….Thank you so much. It’s all been very exciting - and sincerely appreciated.

That’s it for now. Off to bed I go. Look forward to seeing you soon.

Love Issy xxx

Dear Lovelies,

What could be cuter on a wet and miserable Monday morning? Enjoy!

Love Issy xxx

Dear Lovelies,

A couple more to amuse you….

Love Issy xxx

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: “So what did you want to know about sex for?”

“Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple 

of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

“What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?” said the little one.

“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.

“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the little girl, “and they screw you every time!”

Dear Lovelies,

How are you all doing? Just spreading some fun again which a wonderful lovely has forwarded to me…..

Enjoy.

Love Issy xxx

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, “What’s in the basket?”

She replies, “New baby kittens,” and she opens the basket to show him.

“How nice,” says Bush. “What kind are they?”

The little girl says, “Republicans.”

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, “Watch this, Karl; it’s really cute.” They approach the little girl.

Bush greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, “Fine.” Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, “And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?” She replies, “Democrats”

Abashed, Bush says, “But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!”

“I know,” she says. “But now their eyes are open.”

Dear Lovelies,

A lovely has just sent this to me - which I thought you might enjoy, too!

‘A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about
everything.  They had kept no secrets from each other except
that the little old woman  had a shoe box in the top of her
closet that she had cautioned her husband  never to open or
ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day  the little old woman got very sick and the
doctor said she would not  recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe  box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in
the box. When  he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling  £40,000.

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be
married,’ she said,  ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a
happy marriage was to never argue.  She told me that if I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet  and
crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears. Only two  precious dolls were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times  in all those years of
living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about
all of this  money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the
dolls.’

———————————————————
A wife’s Prayer …

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death
because I don’t know how to crochet!

Have a fab day!!

Love Issy xxx

Dear Lovelies,

Just to let you know I have updated the Special Offers page - and for Novemeber I am turning the tables on you! I thought it would be fun to see how imaginative you can be….

Polite reminder: genuine and reasonable offers ONLY, thank you! Please do not embarrass me by offering something ridiculous!

Thank you,

Love Issy xxx

Dear Lovelies,

Hope you are all well. The sun is out today and how lovely after yesterday’s misery

In case some of you missed the story about the horse who got his head stuck in a tree - here are a couple of pics of the poor creature. There is a happy ending - he was cut to safety and got away with only a few minor scratches.

Got to say, though, there have been many times of late that I’ve wanted to stick my head in a dark place - but I doubt I’d look that cute.

OK - here’s a story which defies belief. Read it and I am sure you will be as shocked as me. (Story courtesy from Daily Mail & Closer Magazine).

Teenager Sam Holt’s behaviour would leave most parents in despair - drinking, smoking, taking drugs and having sex.

But the 13-year-old mother thinks it is ’sweet’ rather than shocking.

Tracy Holt even rewards her daughter with cigarettes on the rare occasions when she does behave.

The teen smoker: Sam Holt and her mother Tracy, who rewards her good behaviour with bad vices

Miss Holt, 43, knows Sam drinks but is just relieved that it’s not more than a couple of cans of lager a night.

And she decided not to get angry about her daughter losing her virginity at 12, instead insisting that Sam uses contraception.

Miss Holt, a jobless single mother with two other adult children, told Closer magazine: ‘I don’t see the point in punishing her.

‘If I ground her, I’m just punishing myself because I have to put up with her in the house. Instead, I reward her good behaviour by giving her cigarettes. If she’s bad, she goes without.

‘She’s a little comedian. I let her get away with a lot of cheek. It’s sweet.’

Giving out cigarettes as a reward ‘works’, she insisted.

Miss Holt said: ‘There are a lot worse things she could be doing.

‘We’ve all got to die sometime. I haven’t got cancer from smoking so she’ll probably be all right anyway.’

Miss Holt explained away her daughter’s under-age sex. ‘I didn’t punish her,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t a one-night stand. She had been dating the guy for a couple of weeks.

‘I took her to the doctor’s the next day to get her on the Pill. I’ve told her to use condoms as well.‘

Sam admits having had four sexual partners in less than a year but said: ‘I only sleep with boyfriends. I worry about getting pregnant because I don’t want kids until I’m married so I always use condoms.’

The teenager claims being given cigarettes for her 15-a-day habit has helped her behaviour.

Sam said: ‘If Mum tells me to tidy my room, I ignore her but if she offers me a fag, I do it.’

Miss Holt, who smokes 20 a day, also appears relaxed about her daughter’s other pastimes. She said: ‘Sam often hangs out with her mates on the streets and they’ll drink lager and smoke pot.

‘I think she only drinks a couple of cans a night, so I’m lucky she isn’t a proper drunk.

‘She smokes a joint every now and then. I don’t think she’s tried anything harder.’

Sam’s record at school would also concern most parents. She has been excluded for bad behaviour more than 40 times.

Miss Holt believes her daughter began to go off the rails after her partner left the family home in Gosport, Hampshire, three years ago.

‘Sam got suspended for the first time after she climbed on to the school roof,’ she said.

‘I shouted at her and then explained she shouldn’t climb on roofs because she could fall off. I didn’t know what else to do.’

Recalling the moment Sam blurted out that she had lost her virginity when she was just 12, Miss Holt said: ‘I thought it was a joke, so I laughed. I was disappointed. No mother wants to know her 12-year-old is having sex but I’m glad she told me. I didn’t show I was angry and just kept it to myself.’

Miss Holt blames teachers at Sam’s former school for being ‘too soft’. She said: ‘Now she is at a special school where there are fewer kids in each class.

‘Hopefully these teachers will be stricter and she will finally get the discipline that’s needed.’

And finally - a pic to make you go ahhhh - something that’s nice to be able to do still

See you soon,

Love Issy xxx